My Blissful Life
As a Submariner's Wife
By MJ Allaire
If you'll give me a few minutes of your time, I'd like you to put yourself in a three-year-old's shoes. Below is a chapter from my book My Blissful Life As a Submariner's Wife, and the chapter is titled When Daddy Comes Home.
Please understand that this chapter is not a reflection of how I communicated to my children when their father went out to sea - my purpose for writing this chapter was to give just one example of how difficult it is for the military family, especially very young, dependent children, to adjust to their routine when daddy first goes to sea, then having to re-adjust when he returns. Read the chapter for what it was meant to show - that military deployments are difficult for all family members involved, some more than others, and that military life isn't as easy as some people may think.
I hope you enjoy the chapter below - MJ
You're an only child and from day to day Mommy and Daddy are common figures in your life, hugging you, kissing you, and playing with you every day. You often do things together as a family, such as playing, adventuring, swimming, or going to the beach, and you really enjoy your time together. As you explore your world, the one thing you are certain of is you are loved.
Life is good.
Suddenly Daddy disappears one day and of course you're too young to understand why. The only thing you know is Daddy's gone and now, instead of being a part of a family of three, it's just Mommy and you, a family of two. Mommy is the one doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, and giving you a bath. If you're a lucky three-year-old, Mommy is able to be home with you all day, every day. Although you don't understand what's going on or why things have changed, you are comforted because Mommy is always there with you. Fortunately for everyone involved, since you're only three you adjust quickly to the unavoidable change in your family dynamics.
Soon your new routine becomes completely normal and now it's always just you and Mommy - you and Mommy playing, cooking, blowing bubbles, and writing on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk. You and Mommy do silly and fun things together day in and day out - whether it's a trip to the park or a trip to the store, it's always just Mommy and you.
Then one day you wake up and out of the blue, Mommy tells you excitedly that today is a big day! Mommy's very excited about something and you watch her flitting around like a butterfly, first picking up the house, then getting you ready to go. You don't understand why Mommy is so excited and happy but you do understand what it means to get ready to go bye-bye. An odd and nearly overwhelming electricity fills the air as you watch Mommy fussing over her hair and outfit. She has a new spring in her step and her beautiful smile lights up the room.
You're happy because Mommy is happy!
After Mommy gets ready, you both hop in the car. You're going to the base, she says. You've heard her say this before and you don't understand why Mommy is so happy and excited about going over to the base. Mommy dressed you up in a pretty, pink outfit on this very special day, and Mommy is dressed up special herself. Her colorful dress is covered with bright pictures of beautiful flowers and her face looks different.
She's wearing make up!
Mommy turns to smile at you in your booster seat and you smile back, and as she returns her focus to the front window of the car you realize her hair is different today. Instead of wearing it bunched up on the back of her head where she usually keeps it, today Mommy's hair is loose, vining down her back in long, curly tendrils.
As the car makes its way down the road, Mommy rolls some of the windows down just a little bit, and as the cool, late morning air swirls gently through the car you raise your little, button nose into the air when you catch the scent of something sweet.
Could it be the scent of the flowers on Mommy's dress? You sniff the air again and recognize the smell from a long time ago - Mommy's wearing perfume! As you watch her hands on the steering wheel, you realize her long nails are all been painted with a pretty, red color that matches her dress.
Today must be a very special day!
When you get to the base, you get out of the car and walk next to Mommy, holding her hand. It's a beautiful day - the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky. You see people everywhere and they're all dressed up and talking in excited voices. Most of the people here are women and children - some of the children are older, but many are little, like you. Some of the women are also holding pretty flowers and an electric energy fills the air . . . even more now than it did at home.
You wait next to Mommy and listen to the lull of her voice as she begins talking to a stranger next to her. You turn your attention to this stranger - it's a woman holding a tiny baby - much tinier than you. As your eyes and ears try to take in everything around you, a warm breeze blows gently across your face. Mixed in with the smell of freshly shampooed hair and various perfumes, you suddenly notice another smell much different from the rest.
You don't realize Mommy is watching you and when you crinkle your little nose, Mommy laughs. She kneels down and explains to you that the smell is a combination of the salt water all around the pier and the "boat" smell.
*****
Before I go any further, let me interject as I try to explain the "boat" smell.
Some of the equipment on a submarine requires certain chemicals to work properly and a significant contributor to the odd odor on board a submarine is from these chemicals. Other smells on board may also come from the people, the food being cooked, and the diesel, to name a few. I decided to Google "submarine smells" when writing this and found a question/answer site (similar to a blog) where one person asked the following question:
What's it like to be on a submarine?
I've always wondered what it's REALLY like to live and work on submarine. The kind where there's seventy-five or more personnel. How do you vent "bathroom odors"?
There were also other questions, but the above question was pertinent to my thought process at the time and one person who answered it gave a really long answer with some interesting information. In response to the question, "how do you vent "bathroom odors"?", he said this about the air quality on the submarine:
"The sub has all kinds of weird smells inside, so farts really just kind of mingled in with the other smells."
That's one way to put it, I guess!
He also talked about the other odor, the one that comes from the interior of the submarine itself. For this he says, "Amine, diesel fuel, and other industrial smells permeated the whole submarine, making the place smell really, really bad."
Anytime my husband came home from a long day on the submarine, but especially after a long deployment, he smelled like "the boat". And not only did he smell like it, so did his clothes, his sea bag, any laundry he had, etc. EVERYTHING smelled like the boat. When you're standing on the pier waiting for the submarine to pull into port, you can definitely detect the infamous "boat smell" in the air as well.
It's a tough smell to describe, but trust me, once you've smelled it, you won't soon forget it!
*****
As you stand on the pier next to Mommy, you are suddenly startled by a thunderous noise. Like most other three-year olds, your immediate reaction to sound this is to cry. Mommy quickly picks you up, laughing at your reaction, and as she holds you tightly against her and reassures you that everything is fine, you begin to calm down and lay your head on her shoulder, trying to hide behind her hair. Her voice is soothing and you smell the familiar scent of her skin. After being held like this for a few seconds, you slowly raise your head and look around in confusion as you hear another, much different noise.
Everyone around you is clapping.
You begin moving up and down slightly and you realize it's because Mommy has started bouncing up and down with excitement. This confuses you even more because, as you continue looking around, you see other children are crying, too. Many people are still clapping, and your young mind doesn't understand why some people are clapping and smiling while others are crying. Next to you and Mommy, two women begin squealing, laughing and talking excitedly.
Peering over Mommy's shoulder you see another Mommy trying to console her toddler in a soft, soothing voice. You can't really hear what the other Mommy is saying but suddenly her voice floats across the breeze like a balloon and you understand a small part of what she's saying to her child.
"It's okay, baby. Daddy is coming home!"
Daddy?
The word rings a bell but it's a distant memory. As Mommy wipes tears away from your eyes you chase the memory.
Daddy . . .
The ghost of a male shape in your house, rocking you in Mommy's rocking chair . . . now he's singing along with one of your favorite CD's, dancing around the living room with you in his arms, swinging you around in a circle.
It's the shadow, the distant memory, of a man from a part of your life from a terribly long time ago.
Try as you might, you can't quite place the memory.
Daddy . . .
As you chase the memory, you remember an odd scent about this stranger from your past - something Mommy called "cologne".
Mommy suddenly points and there, in the glistening water out in the distance, a dark, black object is slowly moving towards you and everyone around you. A few other mommies are pointing at it, too. You hear excitement in their voices as some of them talk to their children.
"Here comes Daddy!"
You look at Mommy in the bright, mid-day sunshine. She has a beautiful smile on her face - a smile filled with love. She holds you tightly as she tells you in her soft, caressing voice, "That's Daddy's submarine, Baby!"
Since you're only three and you still take naps, you yawn and lay your head back down on Mommy's shoulder. The excitement is too much for you. You're still confused about what's happening but you sense all is well, and you can feel Mommy's excitement about the big, black object floating in the water. It's slowly moving closer and closer to the pier but you don't pay much attention to it.
As Mommy talks to the other women and children, your tired eyes turn to look at the big black object. Mommy calls it "the boat" and another woman calls it a submarine, but what it's called doesn't really matter to you. You just see something that's big and black and after a while, it's very close to the pier. You squint your eyes in the bright sunlight and can see there are people dressed in the same kind of clothes standing on top of the black thing.
When the boat finally pulls up to the pier, some of the men on top of it throw long ropes across the water to other men waiting on the pier. After catching the ropes thrown at them, the men on the pier quickly tie the ropes to t-shaped objects on the concrete.
You can feel the excitement growing with the crowd and as you look around, you see there are many more people here now.
Once the submarine is tied securely to the pier, the men on the pier eventually stretch a long, grey contraption that Mommy calls "the brow" across the water from the pier to the submarine. You are just learning your colors and you don't think it's brown. You immediately yawn and you don't care if it's brown or not - the only thing you can think about is going to sleep.
It's been a long day and it's close to your naptime. Although you hear people talking all around you, the blurring of their voices soothes you. The combination of the voices and Mommy's gentle rocking motion as she slowly shifts her weight from one leg to the other quickly relaxes you and, unable to fight it any longer, you lay your head on Mommy's shoulder and begin to doze.
After a time which seems like days, Mommy jostles you awake and says excitedly, "Here he comes!"
You lift your head up from Mommy's shoulder and rub your eyes. When you turn to look where Mommy is pointing, you see a figure in a white uniform walking towards you. As soon as he gets to Mommy, he pulls you both into a big bear hug. As your lower lip begins to quiver with uncertainty, you hear Mommy and this person whispering in each other's ears and before you know it, he and Mommy are kissing.
Who is this stranger?
Still groggy from dozing on Mommy's shoulder, the sudden closeness of this stranger startles you and your eyes begin to fill with tears. Even though Mommy is still holding you tight and you feel safe in her arms, a tear slowly rolls down your chubby cheek. You're not used to men being around you and Mommy and you have no idea what to think of this stranger, even though Mommy is hugging and kissing him and she seems happy to see him.
When the man comments on how much you've grown, you rub your eyes groggily. As your fists push fresh tears from your eyes, you suddenly feel weightless as you are moved through the air.
You drop your hands away from your face and realize you are now being held by this stranger in white. You think you recognize his voice but you're not certain where you've heard it before. He gives you a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.
He smells funny. He gives you hug after hug and tells you how much he loves you, but you're scared and tired and within seconds you begin to cry again. The excitement from the day is just too much. You haven't had your nap, you're getting hungry, and now Mommy has handed you over to a stranger.
"Mommy!" you call out, holding your arms out towards her as your cries quickly turn to sobs. Mommy quickly takes you back into her arms as she leans over to kiss the man again. Back in the safety of Mommy's arms, you begin to calm down. You nuzzle your face into Mommy's neck as you hear the stranger say, "Let me go finish up on the boat and I'll be back as soon as I can."
And then he's gone.
You raise your head up and look at Mommy with red-rimmed eyes.
"It's okay, Baby," Mommy reassures you. "Daddy will be back in a few minutes and we'll go home."
Daddy?
You look at Mommy questioningly and rub your eyes again before laying your head back down on her shoulder. You close your eyes, too tired to wonder or worry about anything anymore. Mommy moves slightly from side to side in a rocking motion again and before you know it, the sounds of people talking, laughing and babies crying are all gone.
You sleep.
It may take another five minutes or thirty minutes, but Daddy eventually comes off the submarine with a large bag over his shoulder and a huge smile on his face. You feel your body shifted again as Mommy repositions you to kiss Daddy, but you are oblivious to anything other than much-needed darkness. Mommy and Daddy walk to the car as they chat about his deployment and things that have happened at home while he was gone.
Before you know it, you're awakened as you are shifted before being placed in your booster seat but you quickly drift back off to sleep. You hear the stranger's voice but you don't worry because you also hear Mommy's voice and you sense that all is right in both your world and hers.
As you sleep, you hear the sound of the stranger's voice and memories float just within your reach.
Daddy sitting outside with you under the tree in the back yard, blowing bubbles as you run clumsily through the grass chasing them.
Daddy . . .
As you sleep, a tiny smile lifts the corners of your mouth.
When you finally get home, the stranger wakes you up when he takes you out of your booster seat. You realize it's not Mommy but you see her standing nearby and you aren't as scared of this stranger as you were just a short time ago. With Mommy not far away, the man carries you to your room and gently lays you down on your bed. He kisses you on your cheek and rubs your hair out of your face. He tells you he loves you and again, a distant memory of a time that seems like forever ago but in reality was just a few short months ago passes in the forefront of your mind.
Daddy . . .
Mommy is there next to your bed and she kisses you, too. She reassures again that everything is fine before telling you to go back to sleep and she will see you when you wake up. Daddy walks out of the room and Mommy follows him.
When you wake up, you groggily make your way out into the living room. Right away you notice two people sitting on the couch - one is Mommy and the other is the stranger.
Now, however, he looks different. He's not dressed all in white anymore, but you're still unsure of him and why he's in the house where you and Mommy live. He holds his arms out to you, inviting you to sit with him, but although he's somewhat familiar now, he's still a stranger. Without hesitation you take the long way around the coffee table, making your way safely past him, and quickly crawl up into Mommy's lap.
Daddy feels bad because he knows he's been gone for a long time. It's only been six months, but to a three-year old, it's practically a lifetime.
*****
In just a few short months, the dynamic of the family has changed again. Your family used to be three, but then it became two. You adjusted to this and thrived, but now you're suddenly back to being a family of three again. Eventually you remember who this person is, but this may take days or weeks of difficult adjustment. It's no longer just you and Mommy anymore. Now you have this third person you have to share Mommy with. Some children have a difficult time with this, but eventually they do adjust.
Can you imagine what the preceding scenario is like for a young child? Could you feel how challenging things must be for that child who's not only a military dependent but also a dependent of circumstance? Do you now have a better understanding of what it must be like having Daddy come and go when you having absolutely no understanding of the how's or why's of it all?
Many people believe that military families have it all. They have great military benefits - medical, dental, housing - and if they stay in the military long enough they get a military pension for the rest of their lives. Certainly these are all wonderful benefits to being part of a military family.
No amount of money can replace when Daddy is out at sea and misses the birth of a child, or a baby's first words or first steps. Sometimes families get separated when Daddy has to go to another state or another country for a tour of duty. It's great when you're in the military and you have an opportunity to see the world, but what about when your only child is graduating from high school and you can't make it home because of a work situation, or a flight got cancelled?
For special moments like these, you can never, ever get them back. Once they're gone, they're gone forever.
Sometimes after Daddy's been away on a long deployment, younger children have a difficult time adjusting to the change in the family dynamic. Daddy may try to discipline the child not long after he's returned from a deployment and the child rebels because only Mommy has disciplined them in their recent past. Other times children wake up with nightmares, or they may even revert back to diapers after being totally potty trained.
While many people may think that everything is picture perfect once the deployed spouse returns home, believe me when I say this is rare. The family environment can be very stressful for a few weeks (and in some cases months) until everyone gets used to the changes brought on by the second parent returning from a deployment, but eventually things do settle down. Either new routines are created or old ones are rediscovered, but chances are that things will never be the same as they were before the deployment.
As with other things in life, this is all part of the growing process.
*****
If you're a military dependent and what I've described above rings more than a bell to you, this book is for you. The pages filling My Blissful Life As a Submariner's Wife are my story and describe what it was like for me to go from civilian, to active duty military, to dependent wife, to Veteran.
The life of a dependent spouse, depending on the branch of service, can be quite lonely. My husband and I were both in the Navy when we met in Hawaii - I was stationed on shore duty and he was stationed on a Submarine. During his twenty years or so of active duty service, he was home spending time with the family really only about five years of that. Because he was married to Uncle Sam first and me second, he had to go where the Navy took him. I understood that and always supported him with it. But because of this, he missed many family milestones - a baby's first steps, the first day of school, emergency surgery for appendicitis, our oldest son's graduation from high school.
If the above scenario sounds familiar to you, know that you are NOT alone. Many dependent spouses will understand and totally relate to your feelings of pride in your spouse and our country, your frustration that they aren't around more often, the stress of carrying a high percentage of the family struggles on your shoulders, and ultimately, if you're like me, your adjustment to the situation.
Successfully navigating through life as a military family will very possibly be one of the most challenging things you'll ever have to deal with. An alarming number of marriages don't survive this challenge, but you don't have to be a statistic. Get out there and meet your neighbors, make some friends. If you live in military housing, your neighbors are probably going through some of the same things that you are so network and share ideas.
If your spouse is in the Navy and stationed on a ship or a sub, have them find out who the Ombudsman is for the Command. An Ombudsman is frequently a dependent wife who is a type of liaison between the dependent spouse and the military or the Command. If you have a question about the military or need help with something, especially when the ship or submarine is deployed, the Ombudsman will know who you can contact. If they don't, they should at least be able to point you in the right direction.
*****
As always, happy reading!
If you'd like to read more about one woman's often humorously insightful journey as an active duty military member, military dependent, and eventually as a divorced mother of three teenagers struggling to pick up the pieces of her life, order an autographed copy now!
After reading My Blissful Life As a Submariner's Wife, you will never look at a military family the same way again.